auroraaustralis's Blog

My circles latest activity revealed the following groups being joined:

'I believe that Love is the Answer'  followed by ' I Love Hummus'

It all comes crystal clear to me.   Ep in its beautiful randomness shows that the answer is hummus, that love and chickpeas are worth believing in and that the question is itself irrelevant.

I was going to grow my own bean sprouts, including chickpeas, in a jar, but Dad got confused and put them in the ground instead and now they have grown a strange wild carpet.  I guess that just goes to show that everything needs the right care taken or the results are unedible.

Without love you don't get hummus.

The group 'I Love Pollution Because It Makes Pretty Sunsets' is showing up on my recent story list thing currently.  I can see how such a group would piss people off - I mean, everyone knows pollution isn't the best.  But talk about finding the positive spin on it.   Just really tickled me.

Ahahaha.  Just don't get it on a t-shirt then walk past a Greenpeace Convention.

I needed that laugh.  I have been feeling a bit... over life really.  Like I was ready to jump on a plane and leave everything behind and clean slate it somewhere else.  On my own even.  Thats right, without Max.  Not in a breaking up with Max type of fashion - just standing on my own two feet without depending on him so much for everything.  Last year was totally average - not the worst, but far from the best.  Im ready for the best I think.  But Im going to have to work hard for it - there is where the fear sits a bit.  Im not sure how much pressure I want to put on myself to achieve - setting goals sets in concrete the possibility of things I could fail at.  Does that make sense?  I had expectations of myself that I could not reach - and now Im afraid of forming expectations again.  There is a voice that tells me what I have now is fine - I have a steady job, thats heaps more than alot of people, a roof over my head, food, clothes, a few extra funds for silly impulse purchases - I can work my way up the ladder, be a store manager before Im 30.  There is nothing wrong with that.  And I can do it with little stress, anxiety, pressure - no chance of failure.

I know however, that it isn't really enough.  It isn't really what I wanted, what I thought I was capable of.  I know not everyone can be special - but I thought I was going to be more than ordinary.

This is really the year where Im going to have to either accept that easy path or take a risk and deal with whatever consequences come my way - form some real expectations of the sort of person I should be, actively seek her out and be prepared to accept failure ( if things don't work out) and learn from it.  I talk all the time but I don't do anything and Im still the same - and Ill be the same a year from now if I don't do anything.

Just got off the phone.  Feeling like curling up in a little ball and having a big cry.  We are supposed to be having dinner with my Mum - its kind of a big deal considering I only see her about once a month.  She wanted to go to some foodcourt - which I thought was weird because she hates food courts.  I wasn't going to worry though, but Max thought maybe she only suggested there because she was worried about what we could afford.  So she called just before and asked if we could meet at 6 instead of 6.30 - which we can't, because Max might not be home from work.  I asked her why she wanted to go to the foodcourt as it seemed an odd choice for her - she said she thought it would be cheap, and easy, can do our own thing while still being together.  I told her money wasn't a big deal for us - and that any other place would be just as easy - if thats what she wanted.  She turned around to say that she'd check with her husband and that hopefully she would see me on Wednesday anyway if this didn't work out.

So because I queried why she wanted to go somewhere she would never normally like to go she no longer wants to have dinner with me??

Naturally Im upset - I call Max at work, which I never do because I understand he's working and he's very particular about that.  Surely the very fact I called should signify something.  Obviously not.  Not a single word of comfort, not any help whatsoever, I don't think he even stopped what he was doing to actually listen to me.  I told him I was pretty upset, and he said 'ok'.  Great, nice one, thanks for that.  In the end I called him a dick and hung up on him.  Hmmm.

Its just all so bloody typical.  My Mum only ever wants to see me on her terms, when it suits her, and Im supposed to bend every which way around her schedule, thankful that she fits me in at all.  And I wasn't even trying to disrupt things or change plans as such - just make things better for her.  And Max.  When he is working nothing else matters.  I could be in a car crash and he'd wait till he finished for the day before he came to the hospital.  I know he loves me, I know his work is also important.  But surely its not that difficult to spend a few minutes on the phone.  Sometimes he really is a dick.

Two men just came to my front door from a power company, you know the kind, 'change to us and we will give you x discount' blah blah. 

I told them that as far as I was aware we were happy with our provider but that I wasn't the person who made decisions like that anyway.  One of the dudes said, 'Your husband?' Ahahahaha.  I cracked up, 'Husband? Err no, my Dad.' Ahahahaha.

Me? Husband?  Im 25!  I must be looking old today ;)  Maybe I should have told them that Iv been dropping not so subtle hints to Max for only about two years and he still hasn't proposed... that would have supplied just the right amount of awkwardness to shut them up ;)

Anyway, if I did have a husband I certainly wouldn't leave all decisions like that just to him, heelllooo equal partnership?  Im no 1950s houswife.

Ye Gods I just had another thought.... Im 25 and I live with my Dad.  Jeepers thats shameful.  Maybe them thinking I was married was better.

Happy Birthday Sweetie :)  A song from me to you xx

I am in the process of cutting back my circle - its really gotten larger than I feel comfortable with.  If you are one of the people unfairly removed because you are the lurker type and havent actually got in touch for ages then I have two things to say to you: 1) If you want to keep lurking then let me know, I will happily reinstate you into the circle, 2) Sometimes it helps to say Hi every now and again so I know you ARE there!

Last night I was feely quite odd about my circle clean up and a bit hurt (as the blog before this and my most story ' The nature of friendship' testifies).  I would like you to know that I cherish the friendship of all who have come across my path - if I have now removed you, its because our paths are heading in different directions - Im not upset about it anymore, I just had to process how I felt.  Sometimes people aren't in our lives for ages and ages - this online thing makes it easier to diss and dismiss people who seemly vanish, Iv tried to hang on and not be so shallow.  But Iv been making a worthless stand - because the people who aren't around anymore aren't not here on purpose, they don't need me to fight for them - they are fine, getting on with real world lives.  So I will wish them good bye, and good luck.  I hope your lives are happy and full and if you ever want to get in touch again - please do so :)

I removed some 'friends' from my circle tonight.  Not many, about 5 maybe.  I wanted to remove more.  But it got too hard. 

I don't understand people who are one-sided in their friendships.  I have people in my circle who I comment on when they write, who I check in with frequently and yet, they don't respond.  Have never commented on my stories or blogs.  Dont send return gestures or gifts.  Ignore my scribbles.

It hurts my feelings.  It makes me feel stupid actually - why keep flogging a dead horse?  Makes me feel very insignificant, unimportant.  Uninteresting too - despite the fact I make an effort to try and get to know them - they don't try to know me. 

I understand people having active lives - I wish mine was more active!  I absolutely understand people get too busy to keep in touch.  I understand people who have large, active circles not being able to check in with me all the time.  I understand that there are different forms of friendships and connections. 

 These reasons are part of why I havent removed them from my circle - I want to be understanding and give the benefit of the doubt.  The other part is that I don't want to mean.  Maybe I base too much of my self worth on being a good friend.  Urgh.  Reading over this I feel like Im sounding all needy and pathetic and I really don't like that.

Why would I want to be friends with people that don't seem to want to be friends with me?  Iv always believed that friendship is reciprocal.  A good friendship is a partnership.  People equally interested in each others lives, mutually supportive, where listening and sharing have the same importance.  These people do not meet this definition.  But I can't bring myself to cut them from my circle.

*shrugs*  Removing them from my circle wouldn't hurt me - its not as if Im getting anything from them, support or the like.  I think, I want to keep them because each one represents the opportunity for a friendship - the loss of that opportunity makes me sad.  Not so much the loss of the person, but what could have been.

Weird.

So I thought it was bad enough the washing machine doesn't seem to be working.  No matter how much I tinker with it, push buttons, yell, or hit it - it just wont go.  Troubleshooting guide is a piece of shit and doesn't help at all.  I just don't know what to do about it.

And now, I just went to do the dishes and despite the fact the plug is in the sink, pushed in firmly, the water just drains away! What. The. Fuck.  I feel like Im totally going nuts.  Absolutely raving crazy.  Where the heck is the water going?  Why won't it stay in the sink?  WHATS HAPPENING?

I have had enough of today.  Im about 30secs away from saying Fuck This All and opening the wine.  4pm is the new 5pm.

I’ve been feeling really crap lately.  I blame my Dad. He asked me what I had done about getting a job and I haven’t done anything. Sent me into a shame spiral. 

Why the hell haven’t I done anything?

I wasted last year trying to struggle through a uni course that I never should have signed up for, then after the inevitable failure and dropping out I had to rebuild my self esteem again. That’s done. I’m over it. So I failed and dropped out – big whoop. I’m bright, capable, have two freakin honours degrees hanging on my wall, am able to write at length and discuss at even greater lengths any ins and outs about art – I do this with passion, a fair amount of knowledge backed up by a well developed research ability, but also with an infectious enthusiasm that inspires others. I’m a world expert in two areas, I mean that genuinely – in these two subjects I know more than the rest of the worlds population bar maybe one or two other ‘experts’. It’s a slightly artificial assertion considering it’s easy to be a world expert when you are the only one that bothered to try and study it. But still, I OWN that sh*t. 

(Aside, I used to joke I was going to do my PhD in decorative Flemish doorstops – imagine being a world expert on that? No one could question your judgement. Gold I tell ya, Gold.)  

There is nothing stopping me. I am so filled with potential it aches.    So WHY, WHY am I not doing ANYTHING about getting a job? I already wasted last year, am I going to write this one off too? I can’t even muster the motivation to put together a CV (resume) listing all the above glowing assertions of my abilities. I do believe in the above – if it comes across as cocky or over-confident, well, it should, coz last year I couldn’t say ANY of it so I’m making up for lost time.  

Iv been depressed before, but it was different. It was more like, a giant pretence at being happy so seductive that I almost convinced myself until I realized I had to escape it or I was going to forever be a shadow, a withered flower, unable to truly be happy. I did weird things, like sleep after school so I could watch TCM all night when everyone was asleep, eat whole frozen cheesecakes in one sitting, and take painkillers for barely existent headaches. And last years downer was different too. I felt like a failure, a loser, worthless and a waste of space. Alone, empty, cried a lot, slept a lot, barely left the house. This time round I’m not even sure if it is a depression or I’m just being REALLY lazy. It’s a mind numbing, soul sucking, life absorbing lack of motivation.  

I have all the reasons to self-motivate. I seem to have lost the switch. I haven’t even tried yet to do it – haven’t even opened the file with all my CV stuff, haven’t even flicked through any job websites – not in months and months. I haven’t even let myself have the opportunity to be rejected – and I don’t think it’s that that is concerning me. I’m not worried about being turned down. Why would I want a job that doesn’t want me?   

I do want a job, I’m ready for a job, and I have everything I need to get a job. I am an employee waiting to happen. So why can’t I grow the metaphorical balls to go and get it?

I just feel worse and worse everyday about it.  Maybe it is like before, only instead of seeing my happiness waste away its my dreams, my hopes, my goals that Im going to foget.  I NEED the affirmation of my skills that finding a job will get.  I dont think Im sacred of not getting that affirmation.  So what am I so afraid of?

Wait.  If I wasn't concerned with getting confirmation of my abilities - then would I NEED the confirmation?  Hmmm.  Urgh.  I dont know what the hell is going on with me anymore!!

I just typed this really heartfelt blog, hit the submit button, and then POOF Internet Explorer had an unspecified error and crashed. 

Thanks alot.  Im never going to be able to muster the emotion to go through typing it again.

Sometimes I wish I could plug my brain into Ep and have the things I think come out on to the screen and into the right story catagories (and with catchy titles).  I think so many things that dont make it onto Ep paper.  I log off Ep and shut off the laptop at night and then as Im brushing my teeth I start composing never written stories.  I could, I guess, go back online and type them but I get the feeling nothing would happen. Maybe brushing my teeth is the ultimate inspiration. 

I hate feeling like Im trying to prove myself.  Waiting.  Waiting for someone to read my stories and say yes, she has something, she has worthwhile opinions, and what a charming writing style! (I feel like a total bitch saying that too - because there are people who have read my stories, wanted to be friends, and who remain constant supportors.  It should be their opinions I value most - and I do, I really do care and appreciate what they say - but I guess I wish there were more.... or at least, I wish for more reciprocation.  There are so many here I admire but who dont seem to share the same interest in me.)  I think Iv been waiting for something like that my whole life.  For someone to notice that I have something.  I so often feel like Im an almost.  As in, almost good at something, almost successful, almost talented.  But not quite. 

Heh, theres probably a group in that.  I am an almost. 

I know, in a very academic fashion, that waiting is passive and anything I want I should apply what skills I do have to what it is and go and get it.  But I guess, Im being a little self indulgent and hoping someone spots me first - there is an unattractive aspect of laziness I would be dishonest to deny.  And yet, there is the idea that someone else noticing would be more real than what I try to tell myself.

I seem to be engaging in a lot of moments of self pity lately.  I think Ill take it as a sign of imminent change.  Im bound to get frustrated with myself eventually and make a move. 

This TV advert is on ALL the time at the moment, it really makes me giggle and I can't get the song out of my head!  I can do anything I want, coz I look good in leather - is becoming my catch phrase of the moment :) 

Hope it makes you smile!

And thanks TRW for the vid posting help!! xxx

Sometimes I think Im not at Ep for the 'right' reasons.  Now I get that there aren't really any 'right' or 'wrong' reasons for being here - unless you are after validation for your kiddie porn interests or something obviously inappropriate.  What I mean is, everybody is here to get something different out of Ep.  For me, I think I get the most out of the interactions with people.  This is why I gesture and give gifts to people who havent been online for months - still clinging to some sort of interaction even if one sided.  Gosh, that sounds pathetic!!  This is also why I comment on most of my circles stories - rather than write my own.  And I think its also why I take it more to heart when I dont get comments from my circle on my own stories (when I do write them).  I think maybe, if I focused more on the theraputic value of writing stories then maybe I would get more out of being here.  Dont get me wrong, Im not trying to guilt people into making comments, and Im not disregarding the important people who I do have regular and genuine interactions with.  I think Im probably being a bit stupid.  I just, wish people who are actually friends noticed my writing more - I dont blame them, its more, I dont think Im really that much of a writer, or Im not as witty or as clever as them.  And Oh Gosh this is really stupid, but it makes me wonder.... was I a better writer before?  Is every crash of the till draw closing killing my brain cells?  Is every faulty return, cranky customer and product display I do slowly numbing any real intellectual process, any genuine thought about anything?

And if I keep doing this, this damn job, will I eventually just wipe my brain clean slate and have no determination to leave and make anything more with myself? 

Urgghhhhhh Im so stupid, what a drama queen, this is NOT the reason for lack of comments!  Its just tricky with the time zones... I wrote my stories when everyone was asleep and when they woke up other things had filled their circle recent activity.

Just to let those of you who were concerned know - Max and I are fine.  In fact, we made up three times, a Good Friday indeed ;)

We talked it all through and have figured out a way forward we can both be ok with.  I need to stop being a a scared little chicken and trust that I have the strength to handle whatever comes my way - wherever it leads to.  I also, need to be very clear and open with him - I forget he didn't live the same last year I did, he doesnt always understand how I feel now - because I didnt always let him in to how I was feeling then.  So my fear and anxiety doesn't make alot of sense to him - it isnt that he is being a jerk - he just doesnt know.  There is also stuff I need from him - he has promised to get it sorted.

Anyway, don't worry about us - everythings good -  I love him, he loves me and we are staying together.

Thanks for your support, Aurora xxx

PS Hope you have had/are having a great Easter - in whatever shape or form you do or do not celebrate - hope you enjoy some time with loved ones, have a rest - and eat more than your fair share of chocolate ok?  Love ya muchly! xxx

Its Saturday night, all the other people my age are glammed up and down at some bar, dancing the night away, drinking cocktails and hooking up ;)

Im in my lounge channel surfing.....

BUT WAIT!!! There's 80s Icons on C4 (music channel) and OK Karaoke! On MTV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Does it get any better??????????  The old songs I love, and know by heart and the catchy new ones with the words so I can sing along!!! Its like the best night of my life!!!!!! Half a bottle of wine down, singing at the top of my lungs in the comfort of my jeans and slippers in my own living room!!!!!!!!

LOL Im such a loser, but this is the most fun Iv had all week LOL

Just wanted to share...hope whatever your Sat night holds its a blast and a half of full cream milk!

LOVE YA Auroraxxx

Monet was very cool.

First up, I have to admit from the outset that I’m not the most dedicated fan of Impressionism and Mr Monet. I think his work is beautiful and it was incredibly exciting to see the paintings in real life – pictures just don’t do justice to the luminosity of his paint work. I admire his technique and the ideas moving behind the work; so important, so significant for art history. 

But…. It has become very commercialised – calendars, cards, notebooks and other sorts of merchandise and so many publications of such varying quality. It’s great that on one hand it makes the art really accessible, on the other, people get distracted by the ‘prettiness’ of the paintings and side step the theory. The work gets sort of ‘dumbed down’ though I hate to put it that way. People love the attractive colour, the recognisable subject and the technique makes the paintings look quite modern – also they know Monet is famous and so it must be Good Art. I have to stress again – accessibility is fantastic – and I will always believe that the most valid response to art is Yes, I like it, or No, I don’t like it. But I don’t really like how mainstream Impressionism has got, losing a lot of its oomph, its art historical significance as it becomes more popular. I guess I shouldn’t complain that people like it, I am probably being a bit of a snob! I guess I just don’t like feeling like the work is being degraded in favour of popularity. Impressionism and Monet is so much more than pretty pictures.  

Anyway, enough ranting and onwards to the exhibition. The exhibition showcased the Impressionist paintings from the Museum of Boston’s Collection – largely focused on Monet with a few other contextualising works thrown in. I was pretty excited to see a Courbet – who was one of my first art historical loves, and also a Manet – another early love, and a beautiful Degas drawing from the Dancer series.

There was a good range of early work but the strength of the collection was the works from the 1880s. There were also works from series, usually just one but there were two of the Valley of Creuse.  I think series have much more impact when you can see more than one version – shows far more vividly what Monet was all about - LIGHT.

The highlight of the exhibition for me were the works paired alongside Japanese Wood Block prints showing clearly the way Monet gained inspiration from these works for his own composition and use of colour. I love prints, the really grab me – and Japanese Wood Blocks have such a neat sense of humour and simply amazing colour. I think often Degas gets more credit for his use of Japanese composition so it was cool to see so obviously, side by side, just how much Monet was looking and absorbing the Japanese way of seeing.

There really is not anything better than seeing art in the flesh. Monet’s colour is just so luminous and glowing it is beyond amazing. Haystack (sunset) 1891 was my favourite painting, just beautiful – the orange in the sky was fluorescent and alive. You could really see in the work how secondary the subject – or scene rather – actually was in favour of the real subject, the exploration of the sensations of light. The man was just a genius.  

Max enjoyed the exhibition too, seems I will make an art lover of him yet!  

I’m going to load some pics of the paintings I saw onto an album, feel free to check them out :)

Just want to say thanks to all those who commented on my previous blog and offered their support.  The idea of being manager of my own store was a bit nerve wracking - but everyones positive reinforcement made me feel so good about it.  Unfortunatly, just as I was finding the inner confidence and starting to get excited about having my own little store the job was withdrawn.  The company decided to get the 2IC from a neighbouring branch to cover both stores.  So Im out of the running before I even began.  Its a shame but never mind. 

Just wanted to let you know where it was at.  Thanks again for all the words of encouragment!

I had an interesting offer/opportunity today.

My boss mentioned that one of the other stores was needing a new manager.  She suggested I apply. 

For those not in the know - the store where I work is a kitchen and homeware shop, there are about 25stores around the country.  I have worked for the company part time on and off for 8years.  

There are alot of pros and cons - the biggest con is simple.  I worked my butt off at uni and I end up in retail, full time, with the same company I got my first job, not at all related to what I got my degree in.

Pros are though, quite numerous.  Its a managerial position - thats more interesting than just being on the shop floor, look good on the ole CV and it would probably help with the later career of running my own gallery to have some sort of idea of how the shop works at that level.  Its local - the transport to and from would be easy.  Its safe - Im familiar with the company, the product, the procedures.  It doesnt have to be permanent. 

Its a job.  The kind that pays!  And we will in times where the job market is difficult to break into. 

And there in lies the dilema.  I havent even started looking for jobs - would I be an idiot to take the first thing that comes my way when its not even related to the industry I want to be in?  But what a moron I would feel if I passed this up and then ended up not getting something art related anyway! 

I will just apply and see what happens - I havent even got to the interview stage.  Im putting the cart before the horse a bit I know. 

But I would love to hear what you think....

Dont panic my dears, Im only gone for a short while - in fact, you probably wont even miss me :P

Im going away for a few days - heading up north to pitch the tent in the backyard of a friend of a friends bach and then meeting Max's parents on their boat and going for a bit of a sail.  The friend is one I went to uni with down South so will be fantastic to catch up - shes a heap of fun!  I havent been out on Max's parents boat so that should be interesting - Im pretty good with boats and love the water so hopefully the weather will be nice so we can take full advantage.  Its New Year shenanigans all around.  Planning to have a few drinks and relax in the sun (sorry to those northern hemisphere dweller suffering through the cold!)  It feel like its been AGES since I just drank whatever the heck I wanted without having to worry about working the next day or anything - its not that Im super keen to get wasted - its just the freedom of being able to stop when I want - not because someone else says I have to.  Anyway.  I will be well armed with sunblock and Max will drive safe, so dont you worry.

Happy New Year Ep friends - be safe, have fun and may the new year offer a new chance to make your dreams come true :)

Love Aurora xxxx

Im home. 

So much to tell you.  My Poppa died.  My Mums Dad.  3am Thursday 26th.  Funeral the day after tomorrow, Monday 1st.  Will write a more full blog of events in the next couple of days.  I only just arrived home today so its pretty full on as you can imagine. But it is important to me that I share it on Ep - I think it will help me get through.  All your support gives me strength and I need you all as I find my way with this one.

Aurora xxx